S3E2: When We Drown In Grief

Hey y'all, welcome back to Following Jesus in Nursing. We're in season 3 where our Nurses Christian Fellowship staff are sharing their stories of finding hope in hard places. Today we'll hear from Jen who will share about finding hope when we're drowning in grief. She reflects on her loss of two children through miscarriage and on how God met her both then and now with tenderness and unexpected presence. The nurses who cared for her in each loss made all the difference.

Their compassion, their words, and gentle presence still remain with her, reminding us of the sacred impact nurses carry every day. Let me get us started with a short Scripture in prayer. From Genesis 16:13 "Hagar gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her. You are the God who sees me. For she said, I have now seen the one who sees me."

Lord, you see us when we are distraught and crushed by the anguish of loss. Give us eyes to see you and to sense your presence when we grieve and lament. And when we come alongside others in their grief, help us to do so with an empathy and tenderness that exudes your spirit. Amen.

I was mad at God. I wasn't just confused or sad. I was angry that he didn't step in. And in my heart and in my mind, he was the one person who could have done something, and he didn't. Sometimes the most honest act of faith is simply deciding to say, trusting that God is still who he says he is, even when my heart is wrestling to catch up with that, has been powerful. And the much truer understanding of who God is and who I am.

Welcome back, Jen. It's so good to see you again.

Thank you. I am excited to be here.

Could you just kick us off by introducing yourself? You were on a couple seasons ago, actually, about planting student groups. But for those who haven't heard from you yet, could you introduce yourself? And I would love to hear what your most recent fitness feat is because you are always up to something interesting.

Well, I am Jen Wojtysiak, associate national director for Nurses Christian Fellowship. I have been in this role for 5 years. I have been with InterVarsity for 22 years. Nurses Christian Fellowship is a focused ministry of InterVarsity, and currently, I walk alongside all of our student groups across the country as well as our nurse groups. And I love equipping students and faculty and nurses to be the hands and feet of Jesus in some of the holiest spaces that there are.

And so it has been a joy to serve the last 5 years here in NCF. And the most recent fitness challenge that I had was doing the Badger Century. So it's a 100 mile bike ride around Madison, Wisconsin, where I live. And my favorite part of the ride was at the end. So we're talking about the last couple miles.

So I've got 98 mile.s And the last two miles are lined with signs that people had wrote in memory of someone who had passed from cancer or currently was suffering from cancer. And that was the ride. The proceeds of the ride went to cancer research. And it was just so encouraging to see the names and the love that people had for the people in their lives that it gave me the last little boost that I needed to finish that ride.

Yeah. Wow. What a special ride, and you are incredible. I just don't understand how you have so much endurance and strength. You're always doing something really amazing.

No. I enjoy it, and it gives me a challenge, which I also do enjoy.

So speaking of challenges, we are talking this season about challenging things that have happened in our lives. So would you take us back to the time that you're sharing about today? Tell us what was going on in your life and what was happening and what was hard.

When I heard that this was gonna be our podcast season, I thought and prayed about what to share and really landed on sharing this story, which was the most challenging time that I have had in my life. And it's about my story of miscarriage. So my first miscarriage was a surprise. I had already had my daughter Hannah, and we got pregnant without any complications, and the pregnancy didn't have any as well, and getting pregnant was easy. And so I assumed the next chapter of my life would continue in that same way.

So when we decided to start trying again, I didn't brace myself for anything or even really just give it a second thought. I had just expected joy and imagined that everything would go smoothly as it had before. But it didn't. Unexpectedly, I lost that pregnancy. And then within the next 12 months, I lost another.

And everything in my life felt like it had shifted. What had been normal or predictable or safe just became fragile. Even my body, something I had always trusted, and even just sharing a little bit about my feats that I enjoy doing, have always felt in control of my body and that if I asked it to do something hard, it would it would do it. And so that even shifted from underneath me. It felt like my body had betrayed me, and I remember waking up during that time just really feeling full of despair and actually mostly anger.

Yeah. I would imagine so to feel like you went into it just expecting joy and then to have this surprise traumatic situation just feels like the rug kinda got pulled out from under you. Yeah. That'd be really frustrating and shocking.

Yeah. That's a great way of putting it.

Tell me more about some of the feelings and challenges that came up for you in that season.

I think, like I mentioned, physically, I just felt out of control emotionally. I was angry in a way that I didn't really know how to articulate. And spiritually, I was angry too. I was mad at God.

And I wasn't just confused or sad. If I had to identify my feeling on the feeling wheel, it was mad. I was angry that he didn't step in. And my heart and in my mind, he was the one person who could have done something, and he didn't.

I didn't go to church for a while. I couldn't. Sitting in church or singing songs about God's faithfulness and goodness felt disingenuous to me. And I think one of the things I didn't expect after my miscarriages was the unintentional hard things that people would say. People who knew often would try to comfort me and and would say things like, I guess heaven needed another angel, not realizing how much that minimized the grief that I was carrying.

And there were people who didn't know that would casually ask, Oh, so when are you having another baby? You're not getting any younger.

Oh my goodness.

So first just felt like daggers. And so every comment, whether they meant to help or were said without thinking, were just reminders of what I had lost and how invisible that loss could feel to everyone else. It taught me, I think, how deeply we need gentleness with one another because we really just never know what someone is holding inside.

For the people who did know, is there anything you wish they had said differently or done differently to sup better support you?

Well, I have one story that comes to mind of a friend who just showed up with banana bread. And she didn't call or ask if she could come over because I probably would have said no. I hadn't showered in probably three days, and she just showed up with banana bread.

And she said, There are no words, but here is some bread. And I will never forget that and how it just was the right thing to say and do at that moment and still ministers to me when I think about it.

Yeah. That's beautiful. The healing power of banana bread and presence.

Amen.

Well, how did you start coping and maybe even, I don't know, reconnecting with God if that was a thing during and after that season that was so full of anger and pain?

Yeah. You know, in the middle of it, in the anger and confusion, I eventually reached a crossroads where I had to decide that either God is God or he is not. And I couldn't keep living in the in-between. I realized that I didn't get to make or remake him into someone I I liked better, because he always did the things that I asked or that I wanted, and that's not how faith works.

He is God, and I am not. And choosing to accept that didn't make the challenge and the feelings and the anger any easier, but it somehow grounded me. And it reminded me that when I don't understand him, he hasn't changed. And sometimes the most honest act of faith is simply deciding to say, trusting that God is still who he says he is, even when my heart is wrestling to catch up with that, has been powerful. They spent a lot of time in the book of Job where Job asks a lot of the same questions of God that I was asking.

God responds in a way that is true and powerful, And he comes to him in a whirlwind and asks him all these questions about who created the world, who created the sea, who created the sky, and says, I am God, and I am in control, and you are not, and I had to really wrestle with that and coming out of that season with a much truer understanding of who God is and who I am. So after so much anger and distance, it took me a while to come back to Jesus. And at first, it wasn't praying big prayers or understanding everything or jumping right back into Bible study or quiet times or church. It really just looked like sitting in his presence for a few minutes each day. And it was in those quiet moments that I just remember sometimes even just saying to him, alright.

Here I am. I'm gonna sit with you for five minutes, and we would just be near to each other without words. He would remind me that he hadn't left me, and he was still holding me through my pain and my anger. He wasn't afraid or upset by my anger. I began to rebuild trust with him in understanding he is God, and he is in control, and he is good, And I can trust him one step at a time.

Yeah. It strikes me. I think a lot of people feel like we can't be angry at God. Like, that's not allowed or something. And because of what you said about Job, God is God, and he's in control, and we're not. God is big enough to handle our anger, and he makes space for that, I think, to hold us even in those moments.

Yeah. He sure does.

I also really liked what you were saying about you just kept kind of staying with God, whatever that looked like. It wasn't necessarily these huge revelations or these big moments, but just trying to stay in the room with God and be there and see what happened. So looking back, how do you see God's hand in that season?

Looking back, I can see Jesus' presence with me, really, in almost every step of the way. I would not have been able to see that in the moment or feel that in the moment. At the time, I was too caught up in grief and anger and confusion to notice him walking beside me. But in hindsight, I can see his hand in a small and miraculous ways through friends who showed up unexpectedly, like, with banana bread. Yay, banana bread. Through moments of peace in the middle of heartbreak, through reminders that I wasn't alone, you know, what felt like silence from God was actually his quiet and steady presence carrying me through, shaping me, holding me even when I couldn't see him. And it has only been looking back that I recognize those in small ways and actually even in powerful and miraculous ways as well.

Yeah. So what lessons do you think nurses can learn from your story about presence and care in the midst of loss and grief?

Well, I was thinking back to my story, which has been a number of years. Two stories came back very vividly. There were nurses who cared for me during my appointments when I first learned that either of my babies had not survived or were not going to. And their presence was such a lifeline that at a time where everything just felt completely overwhelming and out of control. And so one nurse after my first miscarriage just gently told me to take as long as I needed, and I was in the ultrasound room, and I had come and not expecting anything to be wrong because nothing had been wrong with my first pregnancy.

And so my husband wasn't there and I had found out that my my baby was not alive, and I just didn't even know what to do. And so she just had me stay in that room and brought me tissues as I cried and offered to call someone that could come and pick me up. But she just gave me permission to grieve, and she didn't rush me or pretend that everything was okay. And her simple act of compassion just felt like a lifeboat in the storm that I didn't know what was happening or what was going on, but because she was there, I would get home okay. And after my second miscarriage, another nurse met me in a different but equally profound way. She was honest with me when I desperately needed it and had gone again back into the ultrasound room, and the baby's heartbeat was weak. And one of the things I remember her saying is, I am not gonna sugarcoat this. You have been down this road before. I am not gonna give you any false hope. And she just truly braced me for what was coming.

And by doing that, she showed that she knew what I was going through and what was best for me in that moment. And both of them reminded me that even in moments of loss, small acts of care and honesty can be God's hands holding me, holding a patient when the world feels unsteady. And I just want nursing students and nurses to know that the impact that they have in amazingly large ways with just simple acts of being with someone or saying something kindly and honestly.

So as people are listening, if there are nursing students or nurses who are hearing your story and maybe they're feeling overwhelmed today with their own life situations, heartbreak, anger at God, pain, frustration, what would you say to them?

I would say it's okay to feel overwhelmed. And there are many seasons, this one in particular, where grief and loss felt crushing. And sometimes the only thing I could do was to sit quietly in God's presence for a few minutes a day. And if that's you, I would just encourage you to also consider just sitting with the Lord in his presence and letting him minister to you, to bring your feelings to him, your feelings of being overwhelmed, your feelings of anger, your feelings of sadness, and let him remind you that you are not alone.

That those small moments can just be anchors knowing that God is holding you in the midst of that. And so whether it's being overwhelmed in the work you have as a nursing student or experiencing loss in your own life with family or work that just seems overwhelming and heartbreaking, to take those small moments, to breathe, and to be present with him, and trust that it's okay to not carry everything alone and to seek those around you that can show up with banana bread or be a listening ear for you, depending on what you're going through.

Yeah. That's good. So you've already kind of mentioned actually a couple of spiritual practices. You mentioned being in the book of Job, so turning to Scripture. You're talking about sort of this practicing the presence of God, which is a spiritual discipline or spiritual practice. Are there any other practical or spiritual rhythms that have helped you to stay grounded?

I think back at this time and what formed in me, the rhythm or the practice of a holy detachment, which is really just a fancy way of saying, I am remembering that I am not in control. And so after walking through the miscarriages, I have learned to open my hands a little more each day and trust Jesus with what I can't hold, what I can't control. I shared it was just so hard to feel out of control in my own body. And the reality is oftentimes we think we are in control of more than we are, and we are not. And so, practically, just sitting with God for a few minutes and acknowledging who he is and that he is in control, practicing centering prayer, practicing breath prayers, like you are God and I am yours.

Just are great ways to practice this holy detachment that isn't saying I don't care about the outcome, but is saying I trust you, God, in your goodness and your faithfulness to be the one that is in control. And I can rest in that instead of trying to manage everything. And those rhythms have become part of my practice since that time, and they keep me centered on him.

Yeah. That sounds like such a restful, challenging, but also beautiful and simple spiritual practice. I love that. Holy detachment. I'm gonna remember that one.

So as we wrap up today, Jen, what do you want people to take away from today's story? What's the key truth here?

If you are listening today and you're in the middle of your own season of loss or unanswered questions or maybe even angry at God, I want you to know that you are not alone. That your questions and your emotions don't scare him. Your anger doesn't push him away, and your story, even the painful parts, are not the end of the story. And I think that's what this season of challenge taught me is that God isn't only present in the good and the easy and the miraculous, but he's present in the mourning too. And sometimes our deepest faith and understanding of who he is and who we are comes during that time.

It's not in the moments where we are strong or we feel strong, but in the moments when everything falls apart and God keeps us there anyway.

That is really beautiful. Thank you so much, Jen, for trusting us with your story and for sharing with us today. And it's always good to have you on the podcast. Thank you.

It was great to be here. Thank you.

Jen, thank you so much for trusting us with your story. Your words remind us that faith doesn't mean the absence of anger or questions. Rather, faith is about staying in relationship with God even when our hearts are breaking. As we close, one truth stands out clearly. God is near in our grief, not distant, not offended, not rushed, but present in the silence and the tears and in the long, slow healing.

For those of you listening who are walking through miscarriage, loss, or grief of any kind, we want you to know this, you are seen. Your pain matters and you don't have to just move on or have exactly the right words for God to be with you. As Scripture reminds us, he is the God who sees. If this episode stirred something tender in you, we encourage you to reach out to a trusted friend, a pastor, a counselor, or a faith community to continue processing and get support. And for the nurses listening, Jen's story is a powerful reminder that your presence matters more than you might ever realize.

A gentle word, honest compassion, and permission to grieve can become sacred moments that linger long after the appointment ends. You are often the hands of God in places where hearts are breaking. We also hope that Nurses Christian Fellowship can be a place where grief is honored and spiritual care is integrated in our nursing practice. If you'd like to grow in spiritual care as a nurse, check out our last season, "A Deeper Dive into Spiritual Care" and check out our episode notes for more resources on providing spiritual care. Details about NCF membership can be found at ncf.jcn.org. Be sure to use the coupon code following for $10 off.

If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe to our podcast and leave us a rating and review. Jen, thanks again for being with us and to our listeners, may you know the presence of a God who sees you, stays with you, and gently holds you even when the waters feel overwhelming. Thank you for listening to Following Jesus in Nursing. We'll see you next time.